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» 20 years old |
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» 20 years old |
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%%buddy list%% |
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Who am I...Nora God. Okay first of all, I'm starting to realize that I act differently around different people, and I don't like it. I think it's okay to a certain extent, but not when I act extremely different. It's not that I'm acting to impress, at least that's not what I think it is. Different people just bring out different sides of me. The thing is, I don't like some of those sides. For instance, Nastia brings out a sorta weird but funny yet also retarded and big slacker side of me. I spend practically all day with her. Sure, I don't mind goofing around and having a good time, but in the long run, it's screwing me over. Everyone in my IBET knows/thinks I'm slacker (even though I only am in Biology and Tech). I don't want them to think that. I mean, hey, I work hard for 5/7 of my classes. In math I get awesome grades. German is pretty fun too. Also, there are a few of people who know me as a nice person, like a sweetie that they can talk to. If only more people saw me as the sweetie and less as the slacker... I guess most people think of me as some sort of mix of those, though. Oh well. It's still making me mad. Is the real me even any of those? Ergh. My mom just walked in and was complaining about how I get online so much. Okay, yes, I totally agree with her. I am online WAY too much. However, she said something that totally pissed me off. See, I'm done with homework now, so I find it okay to be online. However, when I told her I was done, she told me to go to bed. I then said, "Okay, so you expect me to get home, do homework, finish homework, go to bed, wake up, go to school, get home, do homework, etc? Every single day?" She then answered, "Yeah, that's what you should be doing four days a week. I don't understand that. She basically just said I should go four days without any free time whatsoever. She considers in between class time and on the bus enough free time for me. Sure, it's fun, but most kids have that in addition to other free time. She definitely needs another point of view on things. Mom doesn't even understand me. There will be times when I explain to her how I'm going to have a low interim grade for certain reasons, but I'll explain how my recent grades were good and how I will easily be able to get my grade up. She still explodes when she finds the grades, as if I never explained anything to her. And ya know what? Before, I began attending TJ, I would have never spent this much time talking and worrying about grades. It's confusing my life. What's happening? I just don't get it, man. The thing I don't get most though, is myself. The way I used to be was that, I had physical insecurities, like any normal teenager...I would just get self concious sometimes, ya know? Otherwise, though, I would feel fine with my personality and the way I was mentally. Lately, though, I just think of things I've said or done and totally regret them. I don't understand what's happening to me. I've come to a point where I don't like myself mentally anymore. I just feel lost...if I'm not pleased with any aspect of myself, where am I to go? |